Male Call: Twelfth Day of Christmas


Click to read more about James Roberts.

 By James Roberts

What a lovely surprise to find this delightful ditty being crooned outside the Male Call office the other night by a duo calling themselves the ‘Two Loves.’ We can’t say their poetic meter is particularly proficient but it’s at least as good as my dear cousin’s annual holiday versification — and their grasp of online dating spots is spot-on.

Feel free to sing along.

On the twelfth day of Christmas my two loves sent to me:

Twelve zooskers Zoosking (whatever that is)

Eleven bees a’Bumblin’

Ten Tinders swiping

Nine e-ladies Harmonizin’

Eight Cupids OK’ing

Seven Singles Silvering

Six Plenties o’Fishin’

Five anonymous Anomo’ers…

Four Matchers machinating

Three Ashleys Madison’ing

Two Christians Mingling

…and a Farmer Only in a tree.

We can hardly wait to see what they come up with for New Year’s Eve.

Need a guy’s perspective? Jot a note to Male Call at or check out the Male Call archives at

Photo by ltenney1225 on / CC BY-NC


Male Call: Rescue Me

malecallA common theme in American democracy is the threat to move to Canada if candidate A, B or C gets elected. Now “Maple Match” wants to rescue you from Trump: “Maple Match makes it easy for Americans to find the ideal Canadian partner to save them from the unfathomable horror of a Trump presidency.”

This got us wondering what other rescue operations are on offer in the online dating world.

Tired of those slick city dwellers who just want to work out at the gym and sip fine wine? Maybe Farmers Only is your cup of, um, apple jack. We’ve actually mentioned this site in a previous post and have seen ads on TV showing what appears to be wholesome country folk riding horses and snuggling on bales of hay. “City Folks Just Don’t Get it” Nearest competition

Or perhaps you’re tired of feeling alone, awkward and a burden on your dining companions because you’re gluten-free. You can join Gluten Free Singles to “Enjoy Life with a GF Partner.” Presumably they’re affiliated with the popular sister sites, Vaccine-Free Singles, Alien-Free Singles and Aspartame-Free Singles (which we may have just made up).

Possibly the biggest cliché in all dating-dom is the meme, “love to laugh.” In that case, Clown Dating may be your cup of, um, seltzer: “Behind all the make-up and the red nose is a lonely heart.” (Interestingly, in this age of Brexit, the site has a notification of “SPECIAL CONDITIONS FOR EU CUSTOMERS: Right of withdrawal.”)

Meanwhile, Mullet Passions – business up front, PARTY in the back – lets you browse the hairspace to find members based on the style of their mullet: classic, mudflap or spiky, or find members who enjoy recreational activities like wrestling, country music or monster trucks.

Another common theme in mainstream dating ads is the search for someone who will value you for your sparkling personality and inner beauty. In that case, Ugly Schmucks may be your huckleberry friend. “People who choose ugly dating are looking for genuine personality over outer appearance and don’t want to be judged for how they look. They can relate to you in ways a non-ugly person could never understand.” Competitor, The Ugly Bug Ball, offers “dating for the aesthetically average.”

Pining for the fjords? Sea Captain Date is there for “any lonely soul who simply yearns for the ocean breeze.”

We were going to leave this one for last but couldn’t wait any longer. Can Do Better allows couples who think they can find a better-looking partner to be rated by members to see if one of you “can do better.”

Just because you’re locked up for life, doesn’t mean you can’t fall in love. Women Behind Bars matches jailed ladies with partners. “The Women Behind Bars prison pen pal concept helps create a way for the female prisoners to have a better chance of rehabilitation and establish themselves back in society.” The Male Call Advisory Board™ has a soft spot in our otherwise gnarly hearts for this one because it hearkens back to the very first Male Call column “Dating in Sheriff Joe’s Corral” in which we espoused the benefits of jailhouse romance (“Always know where she is on a Saturday night. • Always know where she is every night • Doesn’t call up at odd hours wondering where I am”).

Armed with these specialized dating sites, can anyone still say there’s no one out there for them?

Need a guy’s perspective? Jot a note to Male Call at or check out the Male Call archives at

Photo credit: foolishmastermind via / CC BY

Male Call: Checkin’ Up on You


Click to read more about James Roberts.

 By James Roberts

Online dating is a now $2.1 billion industry with more than 1,500 websites ranging from mainstream services like with 96 million registered users (as of 2010, but apparently only 1.4M  to 4.3M active users), eHarmony and OkCupid (5.6M) to more specialized dating sites like JDate, GayRomeo, ChristianMingle, Cougar Life and, of course, FarmersOnly (motto: City folks just don’t get it).

However, according to Consumer Affairs, as many as 54 percent of people who date online complained that they encountered false or misleading profile information.

What? We are shocked, shocked we say!

Of course, most online dating sites don’t conduct background checks or verify information. You may come across people with criminal records, married people and people who may be mentally unstable – not to mention men who lie about their height.

To solve this problem, many online daters have turned to background check services.

In their survey of online dealbreakers, the Consumer Affairs report surprisingly found that men are more likely to run a background check than women (14 vs 11 percent) or hire a private investigator (seven vs one percent) but scarily, men were also more likely to follow their prospect home or (blech!) and dig through her garbage (4.5 vs one percent).

On the other hand, the report, as well as the Male Call Advisory Board’s own research indicates that women have more dealbreakers than men. These would include being married, having a wild past, a DUI, and conviction for possession of marijuana or controlled substance.

From what we can tell by perusing online dating sites, women tend to police their prospective beaux mostly by putting up completely pointless warnings such as:

  • “no cheaters”
  • “no players”
  • “must be honest”
  • “no married or separated men,” and especially
  • “no using my publicly available information for your research projects”

As we sometimes point out, these are about as useful as posting a “No ants!” sign at a picnic.

Despite this, the survey found 23 percent of women are willing to date someone who is already married (vs 32 percent of men).

The good news: People are (mostly) unwilling to date serious criminals.

Need a guy’s perspective? Jot a note to Male Call at or check out the Male Call archives at

Photo credit: ntr23 via / CC BY-NC-SA

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