Male Call: Don’t Bury Your ‘Lead’


Click to read more about James Roberts.

 By James Roberts –

Ready to impress? Put your best, hopefully realistic but flattering photo up front in your dating profile. This may sound obvious but there’s a story here.

Let’s backtrack a bit. There’s an old newspaper maxim for journalists: Don’t bury the lead. (OK, OK, it’s really spelled “lede,” but we didn’t want to confuse you with crazy technical jargon.)

What this time-honored advice means is basically this: Get to your big news right off the bat…don’t hide or bury the most important info down in the murky middle paragraphs. Such a strategy can work great for a murder mystery or Marvel movie where you’ve got a captive audience (or did before COVID), but consumers of news can drop out very quickly if you don’t pay off on your headline right away.

Same with dating profiles.

For our purposes here, your lede is your picture and opening line. It’s the part meant to entice the viewer into reading the whole story.

Let’s look at three examples of how a lot of ladies bury their lede:

  1. Grumplestilskin. Much as you hate it when a guy comes up to you and says “Hey, you should smile more!” — this is the one instance where you can’t afford to come off looking grumpy, mean or unhappy. This doesn’t mean you have to go all bare-teeth on us. You can be “mysterious,” or “surprised” or “mystifying”; just don’t lead with your cheesed-off look. (Ironically, guys can sometimes get away with a “serious” look but that’s probably because we never learned to smile without looking like a Goofus.)
  2. Groupies. Never lead with a group shot. It may be perfectly obvious to you which one you are but considering how often women change their hair style and color you’d be surprised how it just leaves us wondering. This includes twofer shots with babies and men. Yeah, we figure it’s your grandniece or brother but why make us guess? (Oh, and you probably never need a groupie at all unless it’s your dog, cat or horse.)
  3. Sideways. Great movie, terrible photo goof. Since even your 7-year-old niece knows how to turn and crop a selfie, there’s no excuse for not making sure your pic is right side up. And while you’re at it, how about cropping out those black borders with all the camera data?
  4. See, you may only get one shot at being swiped right or left so lead off with your best shot — but not necessarily your most glamorous. 

Now, let’s talk about leading lines:

  1. We’ll probably get banned by the ad copywriters’ association for this but don’t worry too much about your headline — frankly, all we guys see is the first pic. But do pay attention to the first line of your profile. It might even be helpful to read it.
  2. Don’t need no negatives — at least at the front. That is, don’t start with things like “No gameplayers” or “No scammers” or things you don’t want. (Tip: the scammers aren’t going to run away just because you shoo them off.)
  3. Write in first person. Some profiles read like your sister or BFF scribed them: “Loves to laugh/cook/travel,” “Appreciates good manners.”
  4. Guys mostly don’t care where you were born and raised. It’s not necessarily bad to mention somewhere that you’re originally from the Midwest or transplanted from Georgia but really, is that the most important thing we need to know? (And, by the way, we have no idea what you mean by “midwestern values.” We know you think it means something, but it’s a bit like “serial dater” — some kind of gal-code.)
  5. You don’t get to call yourself “classy,” especially in your lede.
  6. Don’t lead with your dog-like qualities — friendly, loyal, eager, obedient…well maybe that last one would be OK!
  7. Of course, we know that there’s probably very little actual meeting going on in these COVID days but at least we can get the lead out of our ledes.

Need a guy’s perspective? Jot a note to Male Call at For more words, ideas and whimsy, visit

Photo by Andrea Piacquadio

Male Call: How to Speak ‘COVID’


Click to read more about James Roberts.

 By James Roberts –

During this lackluster season of un-romantic COVID’ation, want to know what’s filling up the message section of nearly every single woman’s online profile?

“Hey,” “Hey!” Heyyy!!” “Hey what’s going?” “Wsup!” “What’s going on?” “Whatcha up to?”

Not to let the ladies off the hook, the Male Call Advisory Board™ hears that the message notifications men get are not exactly immune from mindless opening lines. Typically, a woman breaks the ice with the less-than-exciting phrase: “Hello there.”

Now, this never really worked in ordinary times but nowadays it’s even more important to have a good opener…and we don’t mean a bar pickup line. (“Heaven must be missing an angel because…”)

So, no “WYD?” or “Ur hot!”

These seem like harmless messages to send, and we’ve all surely sent one at some point. We mean no offense. However, seeing it from the other side is eye-opening. When your introductory message box is filled with that stuff, these generic messages come off as super-dull and lazy.

Of course, not everyone can be an Andy Borowitz, much less Oscar Wilde or Dorothy Parker (as is pretty dang obvious from the typos and clichéd “love to laff” prose in your online profiles).

But it’s really a two-sided issue. First, you need to have something in your profile that incites a comment. And, trust us, “Ask me anything” (a favorite of the ladies) doesn’t cut it.

On the other side of the fence, you recognize that you’re not blessed with the gift of opening repartee, so what do you do when you know nobody’s in a rush to get out for a meet n’ greet?

One thing you can do is acknowledge the sorry state of our romance economy by posing a playful or whimsical question on that very theme:

  • “How are you celebrating COVID these days?”
  • “Binged anything fun recently”
  • “Forget toilet paper, I need to know where I can find baker’s yeast!”
  • “Are you a Zoomer or a Skyper”?
  • “Care to see my etchings? I’ve got my Google Hangouts set up in the loft.”

But seriously, the second part is that you need to find something to comment on, nicely, even if it’s as simple as “I liked your profile — would you like to explore a bit?” Or “Looks like you enjoy traveling — what’s on your wish list once we’re out of this lockdown?”

Your goal is to get the conversation started, hopefully with a question, so you can move to the new next stage: a face-to-face (F2F) meeting — but not “in-person.”

Fact is, video conferences are dating à la mode and you really should be prepping your personal computer area for an F2F.

Start by investing in modestly priced ear pods. Next, preview your computer background with a friend. You can even play with the lighting. In a way, this is almost better than the week(s) of messaging back and forth because people get to see the (more or less) real you, much as they would on a meet ‘n’ greet. Ladies can give it a homey touch by nestling on a couch, perhaps with some interesting art or décor. Candles are a nice touch. Pets are welcome since they offer a point of conversation and your prospect might as well find out about them sooner than later. And a bookshelf is always good because it gives the other person a chance to ask about your favorites. (But don’t pull a John Legend by displaying all your Grammys and Oscars on the shelf behind you).

So, remember the two-way street concept: You want your own profile to offer a “point of entry” — something the profile viewer can latch onto to break the ice. And when you’re checking profiles, try opening the door with a question that’s more than three words.

Need a guy’s perspective? Jot a note to Male Call at For more words, ideas and whimsy, visit

PHOTO: ID 180385852 © Melinda Nagy | Dreamstime.comCC BY-SA

Male Call: “Who’s a Gooood dog” and Other Online Glitches


Click to read more about James Roberts.

 By James Roberts –

Last April, we talked about photo clichés. It’s time to have a little hair of the dog, so to bark, and turn again to verbal glitches that are making you exactly like everyone else.

First off: don’t make your profile sound like you’re a dog…literally. For example: “I’m trustworthy, loyal, friendly, reliable and love to cuddle.” All that’s missing is the “Arf!”

Next: Did someone else write your profile? Or are you using what our Male Call Advisory Board™ calls the “Royal Third Person?” For example: “Loves movies, walking along the beach, and quiet nights staying in.”

Speaking of love, we can probably assume that you are planning to stay alive, so we don’t need “love life” or “love everything life has to offer.” (Oh, and we know you “love to laugh” because you have peppered so many clever jokes into your profile.)

We’re not sure what life would be like without some daily drama — pesky traffic made you late for a job interview, forgot to charge your phone, loyal and trustworthy fur baby chewed your wallet, HOA fined you for not trimming your tree, your stalker just got paroled. But making a blanket statement about “no drama” is both unrealistic and, well, dull.

Scammers beware. Some of the ladies have been putting you on notice that they don’t want you. Same with pickpockets, email phishing schemes and text messages about making “$1K per day from home.” So, how’s that working for you? Perhaps you figure that saying it makes them say “Oh, no, we better not mess with her…she’s on to our tricks, dang it all!”

We’re not quite sure how this next phrase became so popular but “well-traveled” seems to have replaced “globetrotter” and “cosmopolitan.” (We just looked it up and found 138 million Google entries.) Now, a person who has traveled in many foreign countries, especially diverse locations has certainly got around (my sister’s family figures they’ve been to 84 countries from Afghanistan to Zimbabwe) and that’s probably a nice selling point for your profile. But the term is getting a bit tiresome. And we’re not sure cruise ships count…not that anyone will be taking them in the current pandemic climate.

Are “family and friends” important to you? You’re in good company with 9.2 billion citations on Google (mostly from Plenty of Fish and Bumble, we-thinks.)

Though we have mentioned this before, “looking for your best friend” or your “last first kiss” makes your profile look like you copy-and-pasted from a 1990s newspaper Personals ad.

And finally, if you’re on a free online site, there’s no need to tell folks that you’re “not a paid member.”

Remember: your job is to stand out from the crowd. Maybe not all the way out in left field (unless you just like catching fly balls), but at least enough to keep from sounding like you need to be adopted from the local dog pound.

Need a guy’s perspective? Jot a note to Male Call at For more words, ideas and whimsy, visit

Photo: Title: “Here Comes Trouble!” by DaPuglet on / CC BY-SA

Male Call: Five Strikes and Yer Out!


Click to read more about James Roberts.

 By James Roberts –

The woman, about 60 I’d say, had quite a tale of tribulation that you may find instructive. (Warning: names and locations have been adjusted for purposes of privacy.)

The husband, let’s call him Simon, is a psychiatrist. The woman, let’s call her Simone, had a well-paying job. They’re not millionaires but quite well to do…as you’ll see.

It seems that Simon went through these five-year spin cycles, almost to the month. After five years of marriage, they had their first child, a boy. After 10 years, a girl. Five years later he announced that he was joining a men’s group for meditation and getaways from society. They would gather in a sweat lodge, chew peyote (she wasn’t entirely clear what drug but since she wasn’t invited and it was a sweat lodge thing, presumably it wasn’t just marijuana) and…do whatever they do.

After a couple of these getaways he announced that he’d had a “spirit vision,” which also gave him a new name: “Speaking Falcon.” Her kids thought this was a bit odd since Simon hardly ever spoke, except to use typical psychiatrist phrases like, “So, how did that make you feel?” Simon declared that not only she, but the kids would henceforth use his new spirit name. She put her foot down: Okay in the bedroom “but I’m not going to inflict that on the kids and I’m not doing it in public with our friends.”

Five years later he’s at a professional conference in Lake Tahoe, which would last through Sunday. Would she like to bring the kids and join him then for a couple days of vacay? She would! Except he wanted them to actually drive up on the Friday…and bring their special joint checkbook. He had a surprise for her! Now, their marital deal was that either of them could buy stuff on their own whim as long as it was under $500. The big-ticket joint checkbook required both of them to co-sign. She figured, “What the heck” and did as asked. Arriving in Tahoe she discovered that the big surprise was a new car…for him. An Audi S4. He had seen one of his conference-mates with one and wanted one for himself. She agreed, not enthusiastically, but, after all, they had the money.

Five years later, his men’s group is off to meditate and study astrology at a vortex. When he returns, he announces that he is no longer “Speaking Falcon.” Whew! She thinks. Glad that’s over.

Except now he’s “Saffron Warrior.”

Ready for more?

Five years later he declares that he’d like to learn how to play piano. Great…how much harm can that be? Except he wants to buy the piano before taking the lessons. Hmm, OK, I guess he needs something to learn on. Maybe a nice Yamaha keyboard. She figures they can pick one up for $500-800 and if it doesn’t work out, well, they can put it on eBay or just give it away.

Nope. It’s got to be a grand piano. Not a “baby grand,” mind you (which my saintly departed mother played every day for 60 years, and which I was privileged to use for two years until my piano teacher fired me). The piano set them back $15,000…but they had the money. Six months later, when the lessons stopped, they were able to get $13K for it.

Five years later he announces that he’d like to travel to Nepal for about three months to further his spiritual development…with his <ahem> guru. Would she be kind enough to co-sign for the $50,000 it would cost?

Had enough? Well, so did she. She flatly refuses. He can go if he wants but she’s not helping him finance the trip…with the guru or otherwise. He pouts and stomps around for about a month and then, happily, seems to have put that dream aside.

Except…she notices his practice is losing money, month after month. It’s not like they can’t afford things, but it’s so odd that all of a sudden, the thriving medical business is going downhill, little by little.

Enough already. She hires a forensic accountant (whatever that is) who manages to find the proverbial back door to Simon’s computer. There seem to be a lot of unexplained transfers here and there, including one for $12,000. A few days later she visits him in his study and says she’d like to explore her astrological sign and she know he has some info stored about her “astrological nadir” (whatever that is) on his system. He agrees readily and opens up the file. Ooops…the kettle’s boiling downstairs for their tea! Would he mind taking care of the tea while she explores the birth sign material? He goes and gets the tea and returns to find a very stern and unhappy wife. (Of course, the tea kettle was a setup and she had already poked around on the computer days before; now she’s ready to confront.)

Would he like to explain what the $12K is doing in a secret account? He would not.

But she knew. He had been siphoning off his income all the while when she wouldn’t pony up the 50 G’s.

He asks for a divorce. She says, “OK, go ahead.” He gets them a high-power corporate lawyer he knows to split things up — but even this lawyer thinks things are fishy, despite the fact that he’s Simon’s friend. So, while Simon is on a bathroom break, the lawyer takes her aside privately and suggests the name of what Simone learns is called a “junkyard dog.” The “jd” is too busy to take her on…until she mentions the name of the corporate lawyer. Then, it’s game on.

Frankly, I’ve lost track of the strike count here, but let’s call it five.

Which one would’ve broken you? The spirit vision names? The pointless piano? The vanity car? The guru? Or does it take actual money shenanigans?

Need a guy’s perspective? Jot a note to Male Call at For more words, ideas and whimsy, visit

Photo by mark6mauno on / CC BY

Male Call: 9 Gobbledygook Phrases You Use…But Guys Hate


Click to read more about James Roberts.

 By James Roberts –

The Male Call Advisory Board™ (Linguistics Division) has noticed some disturbing trends in ladies’ dating profiles. We’re not saying that the guys don’t have their own gobbledygook, but from what we hear, the men are more about just outright lying.

Here, then, are nine annoying or meaningless phrases you can go ahead and delete from your profile. Some of these we’ve covered in previous columns, but apparently you weren’t listening (might be a “Midwestern values” thing).

  1. “Big heart” — No one knows what this means. It seems to imply that you rescue cats, hand out food coupons at freeway exits or cry during Avengers Or maybe you pay your fair share on group outings.
  2. “Love to laugh” (especially if your main pic shows a grumpy face). Here’s the deal: if you really L-T-L, show yourself in a humorous situation or….hmmm…say something funny. Oh wait, you don’t mean you’re funny; you mean you want your date to make you laugh.
  3. “No scammers” (Oooh…she doesn’t want me to scam her…I’d better leave her alone!). This is a bit like walking down a busy downtown street with a sign saying, “No pickpockets.”
  4. “Friends say I am…” or “Friends describe me as…”. Maybe your friends do tell you this, or maybe they just tell it to your face. Either way, it sounds like a self-serving cop-out. Now, if you were to say “My ex-spouse describes me as…” it would have a lot more street cred.
  5. “I look younger than my age” (super-especially, “Friends say that I look…” or “Have been told I don’t look my age.”) Your pic, if it’s reasonably recent and doesn’t include all your club mates, tells us what we need to know.
  6. “Midwestern values.” Really…as with “big heart,” no one has any idea whatsoever what this means. Maybe you want us to picture fields of wheat waving in the wind as you play hide-and-seek with a prairie dog. Or maybe you just prefer a beer over some Coastal Elite’s fancy wine.
  7. “Just ask” (in place of a profile paragraph). This is the cop-out of someone too lazy to even say “I like walks on the beach, Netflix and a pleasant, not-too-hoppy Midwestern beer.” Fact is, we know you don’t really mean it. You just don’t feel like making the effort.
  8. “Drama-free.” Translation: you live in a coma.
  9. “You will have to message me because I am not a member” (of this free site). This has the earmarks of someone doing a copy-and-paste from another site. This is especially noticeable on Bumble where the guy can’t even message you first! So, unless you’re on or FarmersOnly you can just scratch this nothingburger.

Now, do the guys have their own nonsense language? Are they looking for their “partner in crime,” their “last first kiss”? Let us know. Friends say we might need some new phrases.

Need a guy’s perspective? Jot a note to Male Call at For more words, ideas and whimsy, visit

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Male Call: A Charted Conversation


Click to read more about James Roberts.

 By James Roberts –

A guy-pal — let’s call him “Jon” — related an interesting get-to-know-you phone convo that, sadly, ended less than gloriously. Or, perhaps that’s really the point of such conversations. You decide.

Backing up. Jon and the woman — let’s call her “Jan” — connected on Tinder. She seemed perfectly aligned with his ideals: politically, socially, age-wise and looks-wise.

He made the first move by sending a message about one of her pix. They palavered back and forth a few times a day for two weeks via Tinder comments, talking about whatever people talk about…work, travel, weather, do-it-yourself projects.

Finally, Jan made the bold move. She messaged something like “You are very interesting to me, but I don’t really like texting. Would you like to talk?” (Jon didn’t provide the exact wording.)

Jon sent her his phone number and later that day received a friendly text with her number: “It’s nice to know we’re on common ground in terms of politics. Let’s talk this weekend. Have a good evening.” (or words to that effect…again, Jon was too lazy to copy the exact wording.)

A few introductory text messages follow in which Jon learns that Jan lives across the Valley. Still, it’s really only 21 miles away. Having nothing planned for Saturday, Jon had an afternoon meet ‘n’ greet in mind; so early Saturday afternoon, he gives her a call.

According to Jon’s phone, they yakked about everything under the sun or more than two hours: religion, politics, travel, more politics (fortunately, they were exactly in tune on that), food, spirituality, school, what they’re currently reading, movies they’ve seen.

And that’s when Jan said, “So, we’ve been bantering for a while. But I’d like to know more about the real you.”

Jon reports that this confused him. He responded politely (so he says) with something like “Wait, haven’t we just covered everything from Morocco to meditation?”

Thus, began what the Male Call Advisory Board™ calls a “charted conversation,” aka “The Interview.”

  • Do you have any pets?
  • Have you been married or divorced?
  • Any kids?
  • How do you feel about vegetarianism?
  • What nationality is your name?

Jon admits that he was somewhat curt in his responses, mostly because he doesn’t like interviews, especially dating interviews. Having satisfied the basic data of age, photos, politics and location, he mainly wants to know if the person looks reasonably like their photo and see if there’s any personal chemistry — which you can only really get F2F.

The nationality question wasn’t too bad, he reports, but the follow-up question raised the red flag.

“So…that’s an interesting name…how do you spell it?”

Now, having blurted out his last name he was at a loss as to how he could politely refuse to spell it for her. So, he did.

But the conversation was now dead, over in two minutes…with no follow up on either side.

Lesson: The whole point of Internet dating sites is to get the basic facts out of the way before you agree to a meeting. And the purpose of the meeting is simply: Are you who you say you are?

So, ladies (and in our experience, it’s the ladies who seem to want to conduct “interviews”): Go ahead and do the messaging and texting but nothing happens until you go face-to-face.

Save the interviews for hiring an intern or pet sitter.

Need a guy’s perspective? Jot a note to Male Call at For more words, ideas and whimsy, visit

Photo by Chris Blakeley on / CC BY-NC-ND

Male Call: Terms of Non-Endearment


Click to read more about James Roberts.

 By James Roberts

There’s no question that the dating industry—and by dating industry we mean both online dating sites as well as coaching services—is big business. According to Judi Schindler, author of Husbands: An Owner’s Manual and the blog, “The Toilet Seat Must Come Down, it’s forecast to reach $3.2 billion by next year.

And, apparently “dating coach” is one of the hot new careers of the 21st century.

Frankly, and with all due respect to coaches everywhere, the Male Call Advisory Board™ can’t see that such coaching is of much use. Yes, a good advisor can help you fix your out-of-focus, group-shots-with-your-besties and (yes, sadly) upside-down pictures. Your sloppy spelling. Your “love to laugh” and “no drama” clichés. But they can’t…ahem…fix you. Not that you need fixing but if someone tarts you up like a prom pic, you’re going to disappoint when your date sees the un-prom’d IRL (see below) version.

With that in mind, we’re providing the next best thing: explanations of the new terminology that is making your online love life miserable.

We’ve gathered these from a variety of sources including the aforementioned Schindler, the Dateable podcast, Macmillan Dictionary and the Board’s own fevered observations.

  • Breadcrumbing: sending messages, “digital morsels,” that suggest they’re still interested in you when in fact they’re unlikely to want to meet. Remember Hansel & Gretel? (Spoiler alert: the birds ate the crumbs leaving the kids lost in the woods).
  • Benching: like the previous but usually occurs after an actual meeting— when they don’t really want to date seriously but just “keep you on the bench” for emergencies.
  • Ghosting: Suddenly disappearing and not responding after a few dates in hopes you’ll get the hint. Similar to the “slow fade” or “drizzle.”
  • Daterview: a series of seemingly prepared questions designed to “get your resume” (a la TV’s Survivor) to determine if you’re dateable. In short, a job interview.
  • IRL: in real life…where you waste time when you’re not online tweeting and Instagramming.
  • Text black hole: a never-ending text conversation with someone you meet online but never meet IRL.
  • Catfishing: Popularized by the MTV show, a “catfish” creates fake personal profiles on social media sites to trick an unsuspecting person (the hopeful) into some scheme. This could range from getting you to fall in love with them to simply amusing themselves. The term reportedly comes from Alaska fishing companies’ practice of shipping codfish in big vats across the ocean and, to prevent spoilage, putting some catfish in with them to keep the cod agile.

And our favorite (because we just made it up)…

  • Drama: stuff you have in your life but they don’t, because theirs is “adventure”…or being a “partner in crime.”

Need a guy’s perspective? Jot a note to Male Call at For more words, ideas and whimsy, visit

Photo by California Historical Society Digital Collection on

Male Call: We’re Not Your April Fool


Click to read more about James Roberts.

 By James Roberts

Last October, we reported a statistical survey — yes, cold, hard facts that we didn’t even have to make up! — on the online cliché terms women use to prove that you like to be as similar to every other woman on the planet as possible.

For example: “sense of humor,” “no drama,” “family & friends” and (sigh) “must love dogs.” See “Partner in Crime.”

So, we went back to Bumble (where women make the first move) recently to look at some photo clichés.

Specifically, we were curious about the seemingly large number of group photos the ladies offer. Apparently, the idea is that if you’re part of an attractive group, the guys will find you attractive. (Interestingly, the Male Call Advisory Board™ found evidence, called the “cheerleader effect,” that this is an actual thing, at least in clubs, though we doubt it applies to online scenes.) What is particularly confounding is when it’s impossible for the viewer to figure out which one is you. Not that guys are noted for photo authenticity, but our hair styles, hair color and makeup tend to be pretty similar from week to week.

Now, since we’ve been burned making gross generalizations in the past, we’ve found that actually counting stuff in a methodical way helps to quash many of our cockamamie theories.

Here’s what we found.

In a sample of exactly 100 entries (to make the math simple), 64 percent of the women eschewed (did not use) group photos! For purposes of the study, we used a very specific definition of “group photo,” to mean “a shot of two or more women not including statues of Dickens or Drinkwater, posters of King Elvis or Queen Elizabeth, babies or critters.”

Of course, this means that more than a third of you did appear in groups, often indistinguishable from your besties — and in a few cases, there were no actual shots of you by yourself. We know you think that it’s easy to tell which of you is you and which is your adult daughter… oh, wait… maybe that’s the point.

As a side study, we were curious about selfies. Our casual observation was that a great many ladies love to take bathroom shots, possibly because there’s a good mirror there. So, we counted bathroom vs. car selfies — with surprising results.

Turns out only 3 percent of the profiles offered obvious bathroom shots, but 21 percent showed car selfies.

What’s the deal with that?

Is that where you’re putting on your makeup? Are you all of a sudden thinking, “Hmm…I look my best behind the wheel with my seat belt on”?

(To be fair, we also attempted a sidekick study of men’s profiles but could only manage a small sample size. That said, we found 83 percent of men appeared alone with no groupies. There was only one bathroom selfie and no car selfies — apparently guys prefer to stand shirtless in front of their Harleys.)

So, if the idea is to April Fool us into thinking you and your adult daughter are “OMG, like, twins!” or that there’s a “complementary attraction” effect, consider that the male brain has enough trouble figuring out what you mean by “spiritual” and “no serial daters.”

In short, save the group shots for your Instagram’s. It’s not working on your Bumbles.

Need a guy’s perspective? Jot a note to Male Call at For more words, ideas and whimsy, visit

Photo by Flооd on / CC BY-NC-ND


Male Call: What Shivers Your Timbers?


Click to read more about James Roberts.

 By James Roberts

It doesn’t take a Robert Mueller to mull out what happened with your last relationship: All we need to do is look at what your dating profile says you don’t want.

What the Male Call Advisory Board™ has discovered, ladies, through extensive, organic, non-GMO research consisting of about 30 minutes tracking you through Bumble and Tinder is that your dating profile often tells more about your last relationship than about what you really like to do (besides laughing, loving life, traveling and showing club selfies of you and your besties).

Here are some real-life samples:

“I want someone who is slow to anger”

“I have my life in order and so should you”

“No drama”

“No games”

“I want someone who will have my back”

“Must love to laugh”

“I’m financially stable…and you should be too”

“No ex-girlfriends calling you”

“Respect is a must”

“No felons!” (this may have been a joke)

“Please just be normal”

See, all these phrases are red flags — and not the Valentine kind — announcing the things that went wrong last couple times.

(Apparently you also get a lot of requests for hook-ups, but it doesn’t really help to call off the one-night hopefuls, much less the scammers, that’d be like posting a “no ants allowed” sign at your picnic.)

So, fascinating as your prior relationships may have been, as Valentine’s Day approaches, how about proclaiming what makes your heart shiver with delight, not shrivel with distaste.

Need a guy’s perspective? Jot a note to Male Call at For more words, ideas and whimsy, visit

Photo by ^@^ina (Irina Patrascu Gheorghita ) on / CC BY


Male Call: Twelfth Day of Christmas


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 By James Roberts

What a lovely surprise to find this delightful ditty being crooned outside the Male Call office the other night by a duo calling themselves the ‘Two Loves.’ We can’t say their poetic meter is particularly proficient but it’s at least as good as my dear cousin’s annual holiday versification — and their grasp of online dating spots is spot-on.

Feel free to sing along.

On the twelfth day of Christmas my two loves sent to me:

Twelve zooskers Zoosking (whatever that is)

Eleven bees a’Bumblin’

Ten Tinders swiping

Nine e-ladies Harmonizin’

Eight Cupids OK’ing

Seven Singles Silvering

Six Plenties o’Fishin’

Five anonymous Anomo’ers…

Four Matchers machinating

Three Ashleys Madison’ing

Two Christians Mingling

…and a Farmer Only in a tree.

We can hardly wait to see what they come up with for New Year’s Eve.

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Photo by ltenney1225 on / CC BY-NC


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