Male Call: “Who’s a Gooood dog” and Other Online Glitches

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Click to read more about James Roberts.

 By James Roberts –

Last April, we talked about photo clichés. It’s time to have a little hair of the dog, so to bark, and turn again to verbal glitches that are making you exactly like everyone else.

First off: don’t make your profile sound like you’re a dog…literally. For example: “I’m trustworthy, loyal, friendly, reliable and love to cuddle.” All that’s missing is the “Arf!”

Next: Did someone else write your profile? Or are you using what our Male Call Advisory Board™ calls the “Royal Third Person?” For example: “Loves movies, walking along the beach, and quiet nights staying in.”

Speaking of love, we can probably assume that you are planning to stay alive, so we don’t need “love life” or “love everything life has to offer.” (Oh, and we know you “love to laugh” because you have peppered so many clever jokes into your profile.)

We’re not sure what life would be like without some daily drama — pesky traffic made you late for a job interview, forgot to charge your phone, loyal and trustworthy fur baby chewed your wallet, HOA fined you for not trimming your tree, your stalker just got paroled. But making a blanket statement about “no drama” is both unrealistic and, well, dull.

Scammers beware. Some of the ladies have been putting you on notice that they don’t want you. Same with pickpockets, email phishing schemes and text messages about making “$1K per day from home.” So, how’s that working for you? Perhaps you figure that saying it makes them say “Oh, no, we better not mess with her…she’s on to our tricks, dang it all!”

We’re not quite sure how this next phrase became so popular but “well-traveled” seems to have replaced “globetrotter” and “cosmopolitan.” (We just looked it up and found 138 million Google entries.) Now, a person who has traveled in many foreign countries, especially diverse locations has certainly got around (my sister’s family figures they’ve been to 84 countries from Afghanistan to Zimbabwe) and that’s probably a nice selling point for your profile. But the term is getting a bit tiresome. And we’re not sure cruise ships count…not that anyone will be taking them in the current pandemic climate.

Are “family and friends” important to you? You’re in good company with 9.2 billion citations on Google (mostly from Plenty of Fish and Bumble, we-thinks.)

Though we have mentioned this before, “looking for your best friend” or your “last first kiss” makes your profile look like you copy-and-pasted from a 1990s newspaper Personals ad.

And finally, if you’re on a free online site, there’s no need to tell folks that you’re “not a paid member.”

Remember: your job is to stand out from the crowd. Maybe not all the way out in left field (unless you just like catching fly balls), but at least enough to keep from sounding like you need to be adopted from the local dog pound.


Need a guy’s perspective? Jot a note to Male Call at jrobertpenn@aol.com. For more words, ideas and whimsy, visit jveeds.wordpress.com.


Photo: Title: “Here Comes Trouble!” by DaPuglet on Foter.com / CC BY-SA

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