Male Call: Hirsute, Hersuit


By James Roberts –

I had a chance to talk to a female dating advice writer the other day and guess what? You guys “of a certain age” need to do a couple things if you don’t want to spend the rest of your days in solitary confinement watching golf and fishing on cable TV.

Three words: cut your hair.

Now, we don’t mean get a haircut. And we don’t mean shave your knuckles.

We mean…hmm…how to put this delicately…take care of your person facial hirsuteness.

Do we need to come out and say it? Apparently we do.

Clip those nose and ear hairs, boys. And while you’re at it, would it kill you to trim those Andy Rooney eyebrows?

And while you’re still at it, ixnay those ridiculous white socks that come up to your calves.

We were also advised you should stop obsessively tucking in your shirts, but we believe opinions are divided on that one. Let’s not get crazy with these new-fangled styles. Next thing you know you’ll be wearing your ball cap sideways with a flattened brim and the hologram sticker left on!

The other thing that seems to bug Ms. Dating Mr Maybe is shots of you on your dating profile holding a fish.

Well, we couldn’t exactly leave those charges unanswered but, frankly, women generally do a pretty good job of shaving their stuff, managing their hair and presumably changing their underwear regularly.

So we had to pull out our trump card (insert hyuuge joke here): ladies’ outfits.

First, capris. Ladies, men don’t find these anywhere near as attractive as you seem to think. And if you look hot in capris, you’d probably look hot in an abaya.

Next, skorts. I’m not sure women still wear these, but if you do, cut it out.

Next, pink. We’re not talking about the Victoria’s Secret brand Pink which seems to have cajoled women everywhere into becoming walking billboards. We’re talking about excessively pink outfits. We get it, you’re a girl. We actually took a survey in Kazimierz, presumably a pretty hip wine bar, with a doubting Thomasina. She went around and asked the guys if they like to see a woman wearing a pink outfit and this highly scientific survey returned a unanimous “no.”

We could probably think up a few more but we understand the Fishing Network is featuring Trophy Bass Action and we don’t want to miss it.

Need a guy’s perspective? Jot a note to Male Call at or check out the Male Call archives at

Photo credit: Daniel Condurachi via /CC BY-NC


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