Only Santa Gets A “Peak Beard” Pass


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 By James Roberts

What is Santa without a beard? That’s like a leprechaun without a green suit. Or a Scottsdale lady without blonde hair and highlights.

All right, all right…as an old Arabian saying goes: “Guys who live in bald houses shouldn’t roust their camels for a caravan raid.” (We may not have that translated exactly right.)

In case you haven’t heard, the concept of “peak beard” is not unlike “jumping the shark”; that is, it’s the point at which production of something maxes out and starts to decline. This is based on actual (as opposed to Male Call) science from researchers at the Evolution and Ecology Research Centre of the University of New South Wales, Australia.

The beard part comes from the finding that attractiveness of facial hair declines the more men adopt it. “The more bearded men a person saw in succession, the more striking a clean-shaven face became,” say the authors.

We know you’re anxious to hear the technical term, “negative frequency-dependent sexual selection,” which, by the way, is present in several animal species. It simply means that to be successful, a potential romantic partner needs to stand out from the herd…er, crowd.

As one commenter on the research said, “The beard has turned into the padded bra of masculinity.”

And, according to the Male Call Advisory Board, so have these beards, which long ago lost any attractiveness for the opposite sex:

  • Skorts on women
  • “Jorts” on men
  • Capri pants for women (unless your name is Cameron Diaz or Mary Tyler Moore)
  • Mid-calf shorts for men (unless your name begins with “DJ” and you wear said shorts below your underwear line)
  • Crotch-drop utility pants on anyone
  • Pony tails on male art gallery owners
  • Backwards sunglasses
  • Inflicting your smartphone cache of hilarious You Tube videos on a hapless date
  • Listing “no drama,” “no players” or “midwest values” in your dating profile

as well as…

  • Using Reply All for your cloyingly ingratiating comments on someone’s email announcement where all you have to say is “congrats” or “ditto that.”
  • Posting unverified urban myths on Facebook that would have taken you 30 seconds to check
  • Flashing faux gang signs in your social media club-scene selfie posts

In the meantime, we’re also pulling up the ramp on men adopting the bald look. We really don’t need that attractive style to start going downhill.

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  1. […] Only Santa Gets A “Peak Beard” Pass (Dec. 2014) […]

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