Seven Keys To Fabulous Relationships

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By Bonnie Moehle –

Valentine’s Day has come and gone, and although that day can be filled with passion, many of us, by the very next day, have lost the romance and are back to our old patterns in relationship.  How can we maintain fulfilling relationships year-round, without having to wait for a special occasion?  Here are seven keys that can make the experience of real love a reality.

1.  Be happy within yourself.  This means that you monitor your self-talk.  Make sure it is focused on what you do right rather than what you do wrong; that you hold positive visions for yourself and the people around you.  It means that you see every uncomfortable moment as an opportunity; you live in the present moment rather than rehashing the past or fearing the future and it means that you let go of the need to control the things that you cannot.

2.  Accept your loved one as they are.  You can never, ever, ever change another person…and often, the things you want to change in another are behaviors and habits that they are perfectly comfortable with.  It is you who wants them to change, not them.  Besides, if you accept someone as they are, you feel loving and peaceful and they no longer feel judged by you. They are then able to show up in a much more loving and authentic way in the relationship because they feel accepted.

3.  Always remember that nothing anybody says or does is about you. Nor is anything you say or do about them.  All of our reactions and behaviors are based on our past experiences.  If we judge, it’s because we need to judge. If we are angry, it’s because we are attached to what we want and believe that anger will get it for us.  If we are controlling, it is because we are fearful that if things aren’t going the way we expect them to that our life will be negatively affected, so we criticize and find fault in order to manipulate others so that we can stay in control.  When you understand that the behaviors of others are about them and not about you, then you have compassion and understanding rather than hurt and anger and your relationship is free of conflict.

4.  Take responsibility for your own reactions and emotions.  Stop blaming your partner for how you feel, react and behave.  Your feelings, reactions and behaviors have nothing to do with them.  They have everything to do with you.  Have you ever seen two people read the same email and have a completely different interpretation of the meaning?  The confident person sees the email as positive.  The insecure person sees the content as an insult.  Your perceptions arise from what you think about.  Be aware that nobody causes your reactions and emotions – your perceptions are the cause.  Besides, when you blame others for how you feel you become a victim, because the only way you can feel better is by changing them…and that isn’t going to happen.  When you take responsibility for your own reactions (rather than blaming and trying to change the other person) and understand that your thinking creates your perceptions, you then open up a space for wonderful relationships.  When you view every button that gets pushed as an opportunity to see your own unhealed hurts, then the relationship becomes a wonderful vehicle for mutual growth between you and your mate…and personal growth leads to personal happiness, which is the basis for great relationships.

5.  Be authentic.  Always tell the truth.  Little white lies, for the purpose of protecting others or avoiding conflict, only turn into resentment or challenges later.  Be honest, without an agenda to change someone, but with the intention of expressing from your heart how you are feeling and perceiving.  This not only helps you to grow by taking responsibility for what you feel, but it creates incredible sharing and intimacy in the relationship.

6.  Practice gratitude.  You can do this by putting all of your attention on what is right about your mate rather than what is wrong and what you have rather than what you don’t have.  Be sure to share the beauty that you see so that your mate knows that he/she is appreciated.  In addition, notice how terrific you feel when you are focusing on the good in your mate rather than the bad.  When you feel great, it flows into your relationship.

7.  Love without conditions.  Most people don’t know how to love unconditionally.  Saying “I love you” is more of a question than a statement, with the hopes that there will be a positive response that will save them from their feeling of insecurity.  Give love simply for the sake of giving love.  Notice how you feel when you do.  When you give love unconditionally, you will feel so fulfilled that you will need nothing from anyone.  As a result, there will be no pulling, or clinging.  You will no longer look to your relationship to be your savior, and your mate will no long feel pulled at.

Many of us look at relationships as the pathway to completeness and wholeness.  Understand that nobody can make you whole or happy.  Happiness and the experience of wholeness comes from within you.  However, if you use the relationship to help you see into yourself and are able to grow and learn from that insight, then you will experience relationships that are beautiful, fulfilling and enduring.

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